it's getting better all the time

It's good to see your campus has something like that for students. Good luck on finals...I'm getting nervous about mine too.

I can't stop loving your icon, but I'm kind of in a Secretary phase (i.e., obsession).

newbie

Hi! I thought I would write a bio to introduce myself..I will put this whole thing under an LJ cut…it will probably be long.--sorry to post this as a comment but i have no idea how to start a string by directly posting--help?

I am currently working as a managing editor at a publishing company after having left academia last May. This was a really difficult life-shift because I have spent the last 5 years trying to stay in academia and before that spent seven years trying to finish a PhD—(an activity which my psychiatrist says had caused PTSD, which is more common in grad students than one would like to think).

I have been married for three years, and we have a son who is two and a half (whose very existence saves my life on a daily basis). My husband and I are currently in marital therapy mostly because we were both incredibly unhappy and forgot how to talk to each other except to say “why don’t you take out the garbage?” and “why don’t you shut up?” it turns out much of our problem can be attributed to a kind of terminal crankiness that is the result of not having a real full night’s sleep in two and a half years (our son does not sleep). Also my husband fessed up that my BP was often difficult for him to deal with and made him anxious all the time.

Previous to this relationship I was with someone for three years who was diagnosed with BPD., Because he was a more manic, manic depressive, and I saw that my moods were totally different from his, I told my therapist for about a year, “there’s no way I have BDP, I’ve seen it.” Turns out I have the more depressive side of BPD and that there is a whole range of intensity of BPD which I stupidly did not know about [mostly because any time you see a character on TV or something with BPD they are totally nuts [case in point—Billy in Six Feet Under, or in a book like Jamison’s or Electro-Boy.]

After I had the baby, the BPD became worse and last Jan I dropped to a low that was something I never had experienced before. The mood stabilizer I was given took the full 5 weeks to start to work and in the mean time I was on six other meds to keep me together. At one point there was talk of a stay at a facility in Vermont.

I have been pretty lucky with the combo I am on now and have cut meds down to four, but have only two that I take consistently. Instead of really big highs and lows I now have smaller highs and lows which are sort of almost equally annoying but certainly safer than the great, looping up & downs I experienced before. I was totally drug-resistant for all previous consultations with therapists (because I was basically a functioning alcohol abuser and that seemed to work for me –or so I thought, and truly I did finish my degree and never missed a day of work despite getting snookered ever night.)

I usually don’t discuss my BPD on a daily or weekly basis, but do tell almost all people I know who might be close to me that I have it because I think people have no idea what it is are have been negatively influenced by media representations. I even told many of my students who, as a result, often came to me with their own problems –problems that are generally perceived as “craziness” and not in a fun and good-natured way.

I have a very dry sense of humor and this sometimes does not translate well in an electronic environment—I also love profanity and use it with a disturbing regularity. If this will offend anyone, let me know.

I am waiting to hear about a new job that will basically change my life, doubling my current salary, bringing me back to academia and changing the trajectory of my career. I have been waiting on their decision for far too long—having applied in AUGUST. I am one of two final candidates and despite assurances that a decision would be made by Nov 15, the process is still ongoing. I expect to hear any day—and by that I mean in the next month, in all likelihood.

I am excited about just being (even electronically) around other people who know first hand what BPD is like (because I find that as many pamphlets as one gives someone who does not have it, it’s [in my experience] impossible to really ‘get it’ unless you’ve ‘got it.’

Ok, that’s probably too much info, thanks for reading!

Tracy

Re: newbie

I think this story deserves to be its own post. I too am struggling with how open to be about my illness, and whether I'll realistically make it through grad school and a doctoral thesis. Belonging to this community in particular has given me hope about being a productive, fulfilled adult who is also bipolar. Best of luck about the job!

As to how to post: Go to "Journal," "Update," and then type up a post as you would for your personal journal. To the left of "Update Journal" button there's a box that says "Post to: ________." And then you choose from a list of your personal journal and any communities to which you belong.

Re: newbie

thanks!

I don't have the community listed as an option when i post though-- i think i am still in the process of being added.

what field (grad school)?

Re: newbie

Oh I have a long battle ahead of me....I'm only undergrad in English and intellectual history. I would happily pursue further study in either field, because I think my real interests are a fusion of the two.

Re: newbie

yes, that seems to be the trend [fusion], especially in marketing yourself for a tenure track position. I spread myself a bit *too* thin though, specializing in victorian lit, american lit, film theory and women's studies. i wrote an interdisciplinary dissertaion about cannialism as metaphor. that was all well & good, but i couldn't compete on the job market without a more clearly defined specialty. Generalists are not *generally* wanted.

Re: newbie

Honestly the fusion is because I can't tell the difference between literature and intellectual history. Many professors I've asked can't tell either. But I'm only a sophomore, and a bipolar sophomore who's playing the system such that I only (or mostly) do independent studies, so I already have a few possible specializations in mind.

Re: newbie

you're a natural


good luck with the papers!

I remember trying to read "Being and Nothingness" in one night before a paper was due on existential perspecitives in Virginia Woolf's Between the Acts--and i didn't even own a copy. one of my friends had to read it to me over the phone.

Re: newbie

Hehe... Oh I'm sorry, that sounds like a nightmare.

Re: newbie

yeah, but a FUNNY nightmare
which nightmares often are after you wake up